Blindness

“It’s an awful thing to live in darkness, unable to see what others take for granted but if we are lucky the darkness lifts and then we can finally see the secret sacrifices made by our wives, the surprising progress made by our mothers and the unintended consequences of our actions….”      – Desperate Housewives

 I had visited my parents a month ago. This was the first time I met them face to face after coming out with my sexuality. And least not to mention…it wasn’t easy. On my return, all my friends bombarded me with the same questions… “What happened? What did they say? Had it been the earlier ‘drama queen’ within me I would have satisfied their curiosity with all the sordid details in exchange for futile sympathy. But it wasn’t meant to happen. Something had changed permanently.

During my stay what surprised me most was my mother. She tried her best to avoid any unsavory encounter in the house regarding my marriage and sexuality. Like a lioness she was protecting her cub from the venomous sting of coercion and rage from the rest. One night as I was half asleep I saw her standing close to my bed staring at me. Before she left she kissed me on my forehead and caressed my hair. The rest of the night I kept guessing what was going on in her mind.

Where did I go wrong? Will my son ever be able to convince his dad? Can anyone ever understand him? Will he find someone in his life like he promised 7 months ago? Are there any chances for him to change? 

All these months I had thought that my mother was as apathetic as the rest. I believed that she never cared about my happiness but her family honor and her husband’s dream of a socially acceptable Indian middle class life. I was wrong, I was blind…. Click here

 

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Faithless

“There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunt us, with or without repentance.” – Gilbert Parker

As I was running through the chain of emails I felt as if I was standing on a bridge and the water beneath seemed to drift back sour memories of desire, passion and betrayal …

An hour ago we were returning from lunch. The elevator had reached the second floor and someone joined us on our way up. My subordinate and I were busy discussing something and I would have overlooked our new companion had I not been perturbed by the unflinching gaze. I turned towards her and froze… She was looking right into my eyes with the same poise and charm. For a moment I had lost all words except the most hackneyed ones… I asked “How are you?” And she replied in the grimmest of her tone “I got married and I am leaving …   you.” We had reached the 4th floor and my subordinate had to leave for some admin formalities. Should I just walk out with him? I didn’t want to be trapped with her in the 3X2 feet box but it was too late…
She told me that she will soon be leaving for London and had come to bid goodbye to her friends and colleagues. To prevent eye contact I turned my face towards the walls but unfortunately they were paneled with glasses. The reflections of her riveting eyes followed me at every corner. Was she trying to tell me something? Was she expecting an apology from me?
As the elevator reached the 6th floor I rushed out even before the door had opened completely. I turned back to wish her good luck as the door slid close gradually devouring the sight of her unblinking eyes twinkling as brilliantly as the first time when I saw her, still trying hard to convey those words that had failed to escape her mouth forever. I rushed away as far as possible from her, from shame and from guilt…. Click here

 

 

 

In my bedroom

 

“I have no will to weep or sing,

No least desire to pray or curse;

The loss of love is a terrible thing;

 They lie who say that death is worse.”

                                                                                   – Countee Cullen

If you ever walk into my bedroom of my parent’s house where I have spent all my childhood and teenage years you will come across a life size poster of Aishwarya Rai (Former Miss world turned actor), a photo frame portraying a group of plastic smile laden faces which bear no resemblance whatsoever with the people who live in that house today and last but not the least a closet stuffed with toys….the sole guardians of a once-existent childhood. Even today when I visit my home, I would take them out for a breath of fresh air, clean the puppet’s clothes and cuddle with the soft toys, try operating my electronic puppy and remote controlled Ferrari and even try shooting with a handgun labeled ‘James Bond’

And if you have a closer look, somewhere hidden behind the toys you will see something unexpected; a doll in pink satin gown and embroidered white laces. I still remember that morning when my father had almost packed the doll; it was a birthday gift for his boss’s daughter. I wanted him to leave it behind but he paid no heed. He repeatedly said “You are a man, and men don’t love dolls. Finally I had managed to emotionally blackmail my mom who wittingly saved the doll as a beautiful showpiece for her living room. My dad left the next day with a new one, my brother bullied me for a few days and my mom bargained for better grades in my class… they all forgot about this incident without the slightest anticipation of what was becoming…Click here

If I die before I wake

 

“Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

And if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

                                                                             – Old English prayer

 

I was sitting on my bed trying to have a clearer vision of my digital clock. It was blinking a faint 2:10 AM. Why are the digits appearing so surreal? My eyes were wet and the skin below it felt sticky because the tears had dried up. I was sweating profusely and groping in the dark for water; my throat was choking. I wanted to breathe as if I was being smothered in my sleep by the pillow.

After drinking a bottle of chilled water and splashing some on my face, I stood in the open air of my 6^th floor balcony for a few minutes before I came back to bed only to get the shock of my life! The sheets and the blanket seemed blotched with black ink. I could not decipher anything, may be because it was dark or was I still dreaming? I turned on the lights and came back to bed and froze…

 

There was blood everywhere… lots of it.           Click here…

My Angels don’t fly

“The world is filled with unlikely friendships. How do they begin? With one person desperately in need and the other willing to lend a helping hand. When such kindness is offered we are finally able to see the worth of those we have previously written off. And before we know it, a bond has formed regardless of whether others can understand it. Yes, unlikely friendships startup everyday; no one understands this more than the lonely. In fact, it is what they count on.”          – Desperate Housewives

 

My class mates played with me because I shared my lunch with them

But would have they if I hadn’t?

My teachers adored me because I did the homework

But would have they if I didn’t?

My friends call me because I party with them every Saturday night

But will they if I don’t?

My helpers take care of me because I pay them

But will they if I can’t?

My subordinate respects me because I guide him

But will he if I give up?

My parents love me because I am their son

But would they if they knew the truth….?

 

Life is filled with questions, those which can be easily answered and those which we wish we had never asked… And then one day we come across people who answer all our questions with compelling simplicity and change our perception towards life; they shine the light of humility and help us grow into thoughtful, compassionate and better humans.

 

It’s by benevolence not birth they come into our lives and it is faith not fiction that sustains an intangible bond between us. Click here

 

Pretence

“Everyone enjoys the game of ‘make and believe’ now and then. Of course the ways we play can vary greatly. Sometimes we tell ourselves that work won’t interfere with our family life, sometimes we imagine certain relationships to be more meaningful than they really are. Occasionally we put on a show as if to convince ourselves that our secrets aren’t really all that terrible. Yes, the game of make and believe is a simple one. You start by lying to yourself and if you can get to believe those lies… You win”

                                 –        Desperate Housewives

 

My mom is convinced that I have a girlfriend somewhere hidden in Europe. She thinks that it has to be a man’s passion for a woman and not his dedication to his employer that takes him 10 times a year to his ‘paradise’ with stoicism. I never tried to change her reasoning for obvious reasons. Needless to say she had always proven her wit in every such situation. She knew the day I had skipped school for my secret rendezvous with Ms. Stone in her ever controversial ‘Basic Instinct’. She smelt the evening when I missed my favorite TV series ‘X-files’ and went to bed early despite having prudently chosen odorless vodka. On her last visit, while we were enjoying a cup of tea she advised me not to hide my precious wine bottles at my office desk because it was ‘unethical’.  

 

The next day as I was carefully replacing them back to where they belonged, she said “Do you know why I never objected to all your mischief and addictions? That’s because you never tried hard to conceal them from me.”

 

“A man can lie to his mom, his father, his manager and even friends but not himself”. Click here..

 

 

 

 

Between Good and Evil

“Temptation comes to all of us. Whether or not we succumb depends on our ability to recognize its disguise. Sometimes it arrives in the form of an old flame flickering back to life or a new friend who could end up being so much more or a young child who awakens feelings we didn’t think we had. And we give in to these temptations all the while knowing that coming morning we have to suffer the consequences”        – Desperate Housewives 

We have always been taught the difference between good and evil; that good is sublime, beautiful and white whereas evil is cruel, ugly and black. But as we grow up we realize that life is not mere black & white. Hence the question stands forth, why? Why do we often fail to choose between right and wrong?  I honestly do not have an answer but what I do know is that sometimes, we misinterpret lust to be love, flattery to be respect, trust to be faith and even sex to be love-making. And then there are times when we deliberately choose the evil over good simply because we are addicted to pleasure or just afraid of loosing happiness even before relishing its taste. 

Whatever it might be: a deliberate choice or plain ignorance, an insatiable addiction or temptation in disguise… every night we find ourselves gagged between the good and the evil and the only way to survive this cold war is to experience both and ask ourselves the next morning, whether or not we want the previous night to come back again and never go away. Click here