“Yes, each new day in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies, the worst that we tell ourselves before we fall asleep. We whisper them in the dark telling ourselves we are happy or that he is happy, that we can change or that he will change his mind. We persuade ourselves that we can live with our sins or that we can live without him. Yes, each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves with a desperate hope that coming morning it would all be true.”
– Desperate Housewives
12:00am: Midnight fantasy
Last night even I lied to myself. I committed that I will forget my past and once again fall in love, that one day I will come out to my parents while holding my lover’s hands and they will love me for whom I choose to love; that some day my fantasy of the perfect honeymoon cruise will come true and we will be parents of a cute little son…someday I will be happy with my one small family.
6:00 am: From dawn
Today morning when I woke up I was happy. Not just because of the promise I made last night but also because I knew at once it is going to be one of those special days when I can listen to my heart speaking and voice them down on my notebook soon before they are sent to the pages of ma Vie en Rose (My life in Pink). For about an hour I kept wondering on the subject of my new blog and then suddenly I remembered the recent comment from one of my readers who had requested for something different and non-gay. While I pondered on the various potential topics my mobile jerked me up with its distinctive ringtone from Mission impossible. The very thought that it was beaconing me the impossibility of this mission to ‘write a non gay blog’ made me chuckle. As I picked up the call, little did I know that my new non-gay topic was knocking at the door waiting to shatter my midnight dream….
6:00 pm: Till dusk
It is evening; the sun is on its deathbed. And like all other mortals, it has to depart in sweet sorrow, leaving everything behind including my memories of this day…
Right now on my study desk, there stands a silver paneled photo frame featuring a happy middle-aged couple whom I love the most and reflecting the face of a dreamer I have started to hate. And the biggest irony being, this frame was gifted by my ex lover who left me for good but the faces in it are of people who never let me feel lonely even when I am alone…
As I look at the picture, their smile reminds me of a child grasping a man’s index finger with his tiny hands, desperately trying to take his first step, while the woman stands in front cajoling him not to give up. When I look at their eyes, I remember those horrific days when the child would suffer a seizure (at 5 years age) and she would rush to the hospital and plead to God for his quick recovery. Then one day when he grows up she would pray for his success during exams and encourage his naïve dreams with blissful words of unflinching hope and ineffable faith.
7:00 am: A day to condescend
But then today morning the unprecedented happened. The same couple suddenly called him up and insisted that he should get married soon. Probably because they are afraid that he would be left alone in this world after they are gone. And there would be no one to hold his hand when he is old and feeble or rush him to the hospital when he is sick or even pray for his success and share his dreams together. The words hit him with a blow as if someone was squeezing his heart.
The child’s dream had just turned into his worst nightmare…
Soon after the call was over, he could fathom the magnitude of the damage caused. He was less assertive and more rude, least understanding and most uncouth. All this while they had seen and felt proud of a good son but today he is no more than an insouciant ungrateful brat. He felt as if he had betrayed the very source of his life. Were those words of anger justified? Were they wrong or was I right? Was I angry on them for failing to understand me or on myself for not able to tell the truth? As he kept questioning himself he soon realized that being gay was not just about hiding within the façade of shame but also about hurting your beloved while unable to explain the reason for such behavior.
Being gay is about living in a paradise blessed with hope and cursed by betrayal; where every day starts with a new dawn but dies the same death.
And this was how I found my new ‘non gay’ subject for my blog. It is a prayer that hopes for nothing to change and speaks of life neither happy nor ‘gay’.
Hey thanks for it………… i just wanted to say that life is all about how you take it! your parents did nothing wrong in thinking about your future…. you should not get angry because i feel and believe that a gay person has to be much more sensitive than any others in this world!! so there you go… keep on writing!
hulo,
Thanks for your comments. Agree with u. i hope u have read the poem too…
I echo hulo’s comments above. I also understand what you are going through & it was probably natural to react the way you did.. However its better to control one’s reflex when it is highly stimulated..
Keep writing..
Sweetchap22,
Thanks for reading and for your comments.. I agree with you although i donno for how long i can hold on to it.